Am I really giving my best to myself or to everyone else????

I've been on a major self-love and healing journey lately. It's like all of a sudden I got an epiphany that girl you need to start focusing on yourself.

Ok, wait. Hold up. Before I make it seem like I was on this wholesome journey to self-discovery there was a sequence/chain of events that lead me there. Ha....But yall knew that. Isn't there always something that make you feel like, damn I need to get my shit together. Like today?!?!

Well, by now, you're like, ok homegirl, spill the tea, what happened? who hurt you? (insert eyeroll) i would be lying if I didn't say that my latest heartbreak and failed relationship is what prompted my self-healing adventure. It was the perfect time to literally pour back into me everything that I had been dishing out over the last 5 years, 3 months and 2 weeks.

One day, things were one way and what i thought was "normal" and the next, shit went left and it never came back to the right. Ish got cray, let's just say that. Listen, if lifetime wants to do a special on it, I'm all for it. But without giving away my bestseller's details, you all know how "the beginning of the end" of relationships go. You start having "the perpetual argument" which then is the basis for all of your communications. You're looking at this person you've been with like, "when did we become this"......."why tf are we so toxic"......why am I always yelling......I love you....or wait.....do I? You find yourself fighting and you're the only one in the fight.

I remember sitting with my thoughts one days after all the chaos of the summer had ensued and I remembered a convo, I had with one of my good Judy's a while back. She said, "you know, I was on my R & B kick and Auntie Anita Baker's Giving you the Best that I got came on. She said it was at that moment she started to cry because she said, I need to dedicate this song to me, because I am in a place in life where that's exactly what I need to be doing".

Now, I'm paraphrasing. But yall get the gist. But I sat in that headspace, in that moment, reflecting on that song. I decided to play the song and I knew exactly how she felt when we had that discussion and even though, it seemed deep and soulful, it wasn't just the depth of it, it was just, that's some real shit. Don't we tend to give the best of what we got to those we know and love. Especially when in a relationship.

So Im sitting here having this moment, listening to Auntie Anita on Repeat, hurt, mad, crying, sad, all the feels. Yall know how it is, don't do it girl. Im sitting here, like damn I've let my guard down, let this person in, been head over heels, been overly involved in his life, career, family life, he's investing in my life, career, we worked together at some point, lived together, pouring out whatever was needed mentally, emotionally, physically and this is how we end? This is what happens to me. I mean talk about uggggh. Like it messes you up. So hell yeah, I could relate to "Auntie Anita" in that moment.

Just to furrrrrther (in my Steve Harvey voice) paint the picture let's add some lyrics for context, Ahem:

"Ain't there something I can give you

In exchange for everything you give to me

Read my mind and make me feel just fin

When I think my peace of mind is out of reach

The scales are sometimes unbalanced

And you bear the weight of all that has to be

I hope you see that you can lean on me

And together we can calm a stormy sea

We love so strong and so unselfishly

And I tell you now that I made a vow

I'm giving you the best that I got, baby

Yes I tell you now, that I made a vow

I'm giving you the best that I got, honey"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEb7JPbJaiY

Even just looking at the lyrics, like, wow, this is how we love. we love unselfishly and give so much. And a lot of times it can be love and loving someone unhealthily. I'll make this thing personal, my best was given outwards but not so much inward. Yes, I'm a life coach, yes, Im a mentor, aunt, the strong friend, hell the go to when ppl want to discuss their relationship woes etc, and here I am, giving my best to everyone but me. Tuh.

What do you do, when you're sitting in that space? How do you begin to unpack all of this and start to be ok??????

There is no direct answer that I can give you right off, because I did a combination of things. Perhaps one day I'll chronicle all of that, but I basically looked at the shit show of what had unfolded, I consistently went to therapy, prayed and I said I don't like this shit. I don't like this feeling I don't like how all of this has affected me b/c I felt like I had nothing to show for being "this person who gave her best" within this relationship. Who picks up the pieces and how do I move tf on?

Well, the only person who can answer that and the only person who can be that is the person who's reflection appears in the mirror. It was me. I realized that I needed me, NOW more than ever.

What the hell does that mean? It started with Christen asking Christen, "Sis what do you really want? What do you even like? Now this sounds so basic right? But do you really check in with yourself about what you like to do, what your interests are, and how you want to live? I don't have any stats on how many people actually do so or how people go about their own self development once they have these realizations about things that have transpired in their life.

Once I started checking in with me, it became easier. It became the norm. You connect with your mood and feelings for the day. You're not always mad and upset, you begin filling your life with the things you were doing all along, you just didn't realize that it was high priority. You begin giving YOU, your time. You begin to realize that damn, Im not unlovable or all the shitty things you were said to be in the heat of the argument with the ex. You look up and you begin to give yourself LOVE.

Now, that sounds like a bunch of bull to some, and it'll sound simple to others but to the rest, it's gonna hit different. Either way, it's MY truth.

I learned that my best had to start to go to ME, go to me first and that it's not fucking selfish to do so. I had to learn that girl noone is coming to save you, so get up, stop crying and love yourself. I had to shift my life to focus on all of the value it had on it's own despite not having a partner. I accepted that I wasn't bitter, I was remembering memories of love and that sometimes while doing so it causes emotions to stir up, but it doesn't stop your process of living, moving on, and healing. (Basically I was emotional as hell yall....Ok, yall get the picture)

If you know me at all, I may have a way with words, but I won’t lie. None of this was easy. Like at all. But shit, Im almost 40. Heartbreak happens, shit doesn't work out. Perhaps I fucked up too. Im not perfect. There were things that I coulda, woulda, and shoulda done differently. I can't claim toxicity and not see my own part that I played. That too is also part of the journey. Once I accepted my own bull, the moving forward process got easier.

Anddddd, even though I'm still on the journey. I'm learning every minute of every day: how to really show up for ME. It took me turning 39 to learn how to do that. If nothing else, this situation taught me how to give me back to me and for that, I can't be mad, I'm forever grateful.

I want to hear from you, my Confident Cuties....How have you bounced back after a breakup? Don't want to share your story, feel free to comment on mine or share some thoughts below. Don't forget to Like, Share and Subscribe for more.

Til next Time.......

XOXOXO

Confidently Chris10