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Seven......No.....Eleven

  • Writer: Christen Stott
    Christen Stott
  • Jul 7, 2022
  • 11 min read

Updated: Sep 9, 2022

I know you're thinking hmmm slurpee run. Nope. Snacks? Nope. Gasoline? Nope. Ok, I'm referring to the date: July 11th. Nope, it's not my birthday. In my 39 years of existence, July 11th has come to be recognized as one of theee worst days of my life. In this blog, I'll detail, how and why.



Whew ok, so let's dig in. I can say I've lived and seen my fair share of things. Had great times, and had a fair share of bullshit dealt. But bayybee July 11th, 2019 takes the cake. It's the date I lost one of closest, truest, realest, most amazing beings that has graced the planet earth. My Sister/Cousin/Very First Homegirl Ms. Ashley Nicole Washington left this earth in the most dreadful way.


(Disclaimer because this is an ongoing litigation surrounding her death, I can't go into full details about the death. i will however discuss Ashley, what she means to our family and how it’s been processing the loss......Im basically saying it's my story so let me tell it)



If I’m beating real, and you know I am. I just damn pretend her ass is on a business trip or hell even the peace corp. Chileeee anything to trick my brain into believing she isn’t truly gone/gone, but just away on a business trip.


2022 marks 3 years since her transition to the other side. I wont say it's easier to process the loss because it’s fucking not easy at all. Time however has put distance between her tragic death and and her loved ones missing her like crazy. I dunno even know where to start on missing her and just needing her energy. I swear there are days and times when I reach for my phone and go to text her or find myself saying, “I can’t wait to tell Ashley” and then I go, damn, but I can't.





I still have her name stored in my phone and on apple find my friend locator (which has said unknown for the last 3 years.)

I still play her favorite songs and sing them loudly and even dance like I know we would do together. (See the list at the bottom of the blog for songs that are Ashley Like). I still look at our pictures and think damn, this is when my family was perfect and I didn't even realize how good we had it and how perfect it was to me.

3 years late and I’m still devastated. We are devastated. The hurt didn’t stop. It just shifts. I think they Whats made a bit of difference is we all just acknowledge that we are truly missing the hell out of her. But the realization of her being gone still cuts me deep asf. I cant lie. It does something to my spirit that a deep part of me and who I grew up with and saw come home from the hospital as a newborn is gone. Some days, it takes my thats just a lot to process. because it's insane to think that we are doing life without my first homegirl is completely unreal.







I didn't have a sibling until I was 16 years old. So naturally my cousins became my surrogate siblings. We did everything together. When I mean everything I mean everything. Trips, slumber parties, bathed, ate, drank, lived, I mean everything. I'm the oldest in my generation on all sides. So there's me aka Kizzy, 3 years under me is Justin aka Turtle,then 3 years later, was Ashley aka Bunny bka Ashbash, and my fave MWSR (don't ask it's a complete insider between she and I). The 3 of us were definitely the classic trio. We formed 3 the hardway and it just stuck. I can still hear granny and anyone calling us in order, Christen, Justin, Ashley come on, time to go. it's just the natural order of things. you call the roll and now there's just a pause.


(Granny, Us, She would leave us if we were not ready 😩😭)


hang on I need a minute.


No Literally, the above meme is me at the moment, typing this, wiping tears from my desk at work. Anywho, our trifecta was just everything. I do not wish to change a thing about our childhood. We did everything and just lived. I loved being their big sister/cousin. Whatever I did, they did too. If I went to school dances, they went to my school dances, if I'm hanging out, they are hanging out (even if I didn't want them to follow me, they were right there with me). When I went to college, they went to college. They came to big sibs weekend and stayed on campus with me. I swear Bunny went home and packed her shit and marked the day that she can move out on her own after that. She knew that college was it and that moving out was where it was. LOL.





Bunny and I even had our own book club. I'm like 19 and she's 13 and I'm letting her read shit way to old for her. LOL. Forgive me GG. LOL but she was already hip to it and most she had already read on her own. That’s why she was my baby, because I enjoyed giving her all the wisdom I had. We could talk about any and everything. She was ahead of her time because he was always with a big cousin, auntie, or her grandparents.

I gave Bunny the game soon as the teenage years hit. Like hey, this is what it's about. I've experienced this don't fall into that. She listened to every word and said

”Ok,Kizzy.” (Now that I think about it, Breanne replies in the same manner sometimes and I have to double take).







As kids, we hazed the heck outta Ashley. But it was for the best, this girl was tough as nails physically and emotionally sensitive but she really learned how to process and manage those emotions. But as a kid, sis needed to learn how to buck up and we weren't letting her become anyone's prey. Nope.




I was so proud of Ashley. That woman was funny, says the first thing on her mind at all times, fearless, bold, beautiful, social, a good cook, verrryyy creative, did I mention funny. LOL. There's nothing she wouldn't take on or at least try. She was a unicorn, our unicorn. A black unicorn and chile Black Martha Stewart. I admired her so much. I never got to tell her how much I admired her.



Ash was my go-to girl for alot of things. A good laugh for one. her stories about them kids, always got me together. This girl was everything.


Dancing, recruiting granny and our aunties to be in her twerk team, growing her girls hair, making anything from scratch, taking creative courses, being a lefty, snatching a kid or 2 up even if they weren’t related to us 😩, calling peoples bluff, laughter, jokes, pranks, her eyes getting big as saucers when she can’t hold a secret, being our family planner, the girl could change a tire, sell you a house, and not even bat her eyes. This was our Ashley. 🥰🥰🥰


I felt so guilty after Ashley died. I know you're thinking guilty, yes guilt, because it always boiled down to "why her." "Why my family of all families?". "Why did this happen to her?" And because I did everything I thought I could as a big sister, to school her and advise her and it just feels like I failed her and wasn't able to protect her. So I was just angry at the world because of my loss and was indeed struggling with this for a while. It was more or less survivors guilt. Which boils down to "I'm here and she's not and that's not fair." Not that I didn't want to live, that wasn't the issue, but Im here and she's no longer here with me to share these memories. It was like God, how? God why? Sometimes, I heard back from God and sometimes, I just tuned him out. And that was fine. Because either way, he kept me and he knew I needed time and he just let me have that time to duke this out within.


The topic I'm tap dancing around is grief. Im here to say it, if you know then you know, that Grief Fucking Sucks. No if ands or buts about it. Therefore, calling it out doesn't feel good because you have to come to terms what grief really means and why you're grieving. I stopped living. I just did. She dies in July 2019, the pandemic followed, so it was so easy to crawl up into my little bubble and disappear. People didn't understand it. I didn't care. I just wanted to be left alone.


I shut down completely in 2019 -2021. I just didn’t see things the same. As I said before I was so cynical and just hurt. I had just declared some stuff I wanted to do in my life the day before she died and then upon learning of her death, it took the breath out of me and I didn’t have the motivation to even push me. It took everything in me to do normal stuff let alone something career/business wise.

I shut out the world as did most of my family and we just grieved and kinda hid behind covid.


Things that are still hard for me:

  • Hearing her voice in videos. I can only watch a video of her on silent. hearing her voice penetrates my soul and it makes me look for her. So I don't like doing that to myself so I prefer not to hear her voice. I instantly cry.

  • I haven't worn the outfit that I had on the day I heard of her death. I packed it away for the longest. I don't know I guess I associate that outfit with her death and I just can't wear it out the house again. It was one of my favorite outfits but I can't wear it out the house.

  • Too much detail surrounding her death overwhelms me. It has impacted me emotionally, physically, and mentally. Causing disruptions with me at work, having breakdowns on demand, lashing out in previous relationships. Yeah, it was pretty bad. I'ts gotten better but Jesus be a fence.

  • Dreams about her and then waking up remmebering she was in the dream definitely get me going. It's caused days of depression that I have to shake myself out of. (it's been a while since I've been like that but it was pretty dark).

  • When she first passed I felt her talk to me in a half awakened state. She told me everything would be ok. and she grabbed my hand. When I woke up, I was holding the cover like it was a hand. I've never felt anything so real in the dream world and woke up and didn't know if I imagined or truly experienced it. I know what I felt and I believe it to be true.

The good stuff:

  • I have her purse that she carried the day she passed away. I kept all of her stuff that she had in it and put it away. Some days I go look in it to feel close to her.

  • Her 2 girls are the best thing that ever happened to her. Seeing them calm me and give me reassurance that their mom instilled everything they have in them. She laid that foundation and they are nothing short of amazing. They are aunties faves and I give their little faces whatever they want. Even when it's goig through my purse and apply all my makeup or talk me to death about nothing. You go it. Anything for you.

  • I have a necklace that has her name on it and a message to me with both of our nicknames on it. I absolutely love it.

  • I have tons of pictures from our childhood that I look at all the time. The memories are neverending.

  • Reassurance that I loved her with everything in me, and I know she loved me and I was one of her favorite people and her ass will tell you "oh yeah, that's my cousin Chrish/Kizzy, that's my first homegirl". It's a forever thing.


I write this because grief is not easy. It is a process. And the one thing it has taught me is sometimes you gotta feel that shit. I don't mean just oh I miss you. that's only part of it. It's the I can't call and I know I can never reach you again and it may have me laid on the couch for days. It's panic attacks out of no where. I've walked out of rooms in anger because I just can't deal with it. I get so passionate when even dissecting any part of her death. But that's been the cycle. The cycle of grief. Let's talk about the ways I've coped with grief.


  • Therapy. I was already in therapy due to my own life issues and then boom grief became a recurring theme in our sessions. It was beneficial to be able to have that to bring things back to focus.

  • Alone time. sometimes you need that time alone to process your thoughts and just breathe. i isolated myself b/c I didn't wanna be bothered.

  • Long, vigourous walks. the energy from walking helps me get out the feelings of sadness. It forces me to get up and get fresh air. Taking deep breaths just helps reset.

  • Journaling. I can handwrite any and everything I want to say and just release.

I still feel like I need a kickboxing class of something but I'm really getting better with how I process all of this.


What I do know is grief is not fun.

  • You do need a support system. A couple people who know what your loss mean to you. People who wont make life about them and can just listen or are patient with your processing.

  • Your wound will heal but you have to acknowledge the hurt. Let it hurt. It's going to, so don't try to skip that part of it.

  • Remember the good times, the fun times and continue to have them.

  • Don't stop living. Live for you and honor the person's legacy that they left behind.

  • Keep your family together and heal together. Families fall apart when deaths like this happen. You need one another. We are slowly rebuilding brick by brick but the core is there and it's strong but man, it's definitely not like it used to.

  • Don't be afraid to get counseling.

  • Talk about that person as often as you need to. I talk to Ashley out loud all the time. I know it's crazy but so am I and if you know me you already knew that. LOL.

  • Do something to honor that person's legacy. maybe it's a foundation. maybe its donating in their name. maybe it's volunteering. but do something worthwhile in their name especially if you're a doer. Some of us need active things to do to keep you going and a physical activity helps.

If it's one thing you know about me, FAMILY IS EVERYTHING TO ME. When I had nothing they were and are everything. If I need to eat, they feed me, vice versa. Before I had friends, they were my friends. So now that one member is gone, we all feel it so deeply Some days better than others. But I would be lying if I said that I'm not different, our whole family is.3 years ago changed us so much in the blink of an eye. This shook my core. But God gave me this overwhelming ability to somehow be ok even when I'm not ok. it's weird and he never leaves me, he gives me just enough room to get it all out and then never leaves my side.








The biggest lesson in all of this is it taught me a lesson in living, loving, and laughing. Do all 3, often. Do it daily. Do it to the utmost. Don't stop living. Live life to the fullest. Love people well. Not selfishly, but authentically. Not because something happened but because you can. Laugh because even in all the hurt and dark stuff there's always something to laugh about or smile about. Regardless of anything I'm going through I am going to laugh. LOL. I do. I'm not saying this to blow smoke up your ass, I say this because it's a recurring theme in my life and I even got it tattoed on my back. It's ingrained in who I am. I believe that whole heartedly.



Here are a several songs that pertain to my grief and/or just remind me of our Ash Bash. This blog is as random as me and Ashley but it serves a purpose. I need to deal with my grief. It's been hitting me all week and I've been oblivious until now. So this is me processing it and it's helping a little.


To my first homegirl, I love you, then, now and always. Missing you like crazy, MWSR. 🦄🦄🦄💜💜💜♾♾♾♾


Til Next Time.


XOXOXOOXOXO 💜

ConfidentlyChris10


Song that sums up my feelings:


Songs that are totally Ashley:









If she was here now.....She would love:





Got Grief and Need help.......See Resources Below.


Grief/Mental Health Resources:

This is just a snippet of my life & my process but nothing beats having actual help for grief. You’re not alone. Don’t hesitate to get the help you need.


XOXOXO

Chris💋



 
 
 

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