Who Can You Run To?

Soooooooo, I'm sitting at my desk minding my own Black Ass business. I put on my apple music and turn on a couple songs to push through the last half of the work day. And because I'm listening to 90s R&B, the good ish is flowing to me. Again, I'm minding my business and here comes Xscape's "Who Can I Run To" Whewwwww chile.

These lyrics could have knocked me over with a feather today Chilleee.

".....I have strong deter mination,

And I'm not afraid of change.

I have yet to find that someone,

Who would care to satisfy me,

To stay right by me....."

Can I just end this blog here?

Any other day or time in my life, I would completely be ok. I would be singing along in true Black Woman fashion, very melodramatic, trying to hit notes that I clearly cannot hold. But on today, it hit completely different, for so many reasons.

Where shall I begin?

I am actually super proud of myself and the progession of my emotional and mental health. It takes time to nurture those areas within yourself and requires you to dig deep asf and pull out things you don't want to deal with, face them and then actually figure out what to do with them. How do you want to feel? How do you want to be? that sort of energy. So basically ya girl has been aligning her chakras, sipping her tea, drinking her water and minding her own business. LOL.

In doing so, you look back and say, "oh, shit, I'm in a really good space." I truly was well am. But we'll get to that in just a second. But yes, I see the healing I've done and I geek myself up, "like yess girl you did that." And my hypeness is much like that of Issa Dee from Insecure.

I mean by mid year 2022, ya girl was beaming. I just felt so good all over. And I know what you're thinking, "oh she must have a man". Uh, get out of my business. LOL. I have me and I feel good to have done the things I've been doing. Hit the reset button and moved, making my home, homey. Celebrating the small and big wins. And not to mention, you all know I'm looking forward to turning 40 in literally 3 months (to the day and minute, but who's counting?, Me, Duh LOL).

Anywho, after some blows to the gut over the last 3 years I was glad to finally feel refreshed. My Auntie passed away in March. Literally a day after I had I just left her hospital bedside. Ok, but I pushed through.

Here comes the month of July. July has literally become ghetto asf in my life and I'm totally over it. LOL. I digress. It's still fresh seeing as though today is only August 16th.

My cousin Ash Bash aka Bunny was killed July 11th, 2019. Again, July is always a volatile month. I took the day off and spent it with family. We planned our annual event to commemorate her life. That went very well. Somewhere between the anniversary of Ashley's death and the bike riding event we do as a family, My best friend passes away. It was sudden and a complete shock to my core. If I'm being honest, It pretty much re-traumatized me. It was wayyyy too familiar of a feeling for me and I did not and do not like at all. The feeling makes me physically sick to my stomach even thinking about it. But, here it is resurfacing. I was just numb. I don't know if there are enough characters to express all of my emotions, because honestly I'm still processing it. I still try to call and text my best friend, because THIS. JUST. CAN'T. BE. REAL.

It's been about 26 days since she's been gone and I'm just starting to get the sensations that allow me to feel back. I'm so serious, when I say NUMBNESS is about the best way to describe my emotions on losing her. Amidst her passing, I caught covid because I was running nonstop, making lots of calls, not sleeping, and not eating properly. I mean that was pretty much my life over the last month. Thankfully, I am now Covid-free. But there's still so much that's weighing on me.

Imagine being single, remembering and honoring the life of your first sister (Ashley), losing your best friend and getting "RONA" all within less than a month. Forget life be lifeing, where's the prozac. Shit. {I have to stop and laugh at myself because I know how things sound in my brain and how I mean them and other ppl will read this and probably gasp. Well clutch your pearls. LOL. I'm fine, I am just colorful and dramatic in general. In this case, the occasion actually calls for the overwhelming response. SO this is more like a cynics humor if that makes sense. Hope that makes sense. Ok back to the story}

But yes, it has felt like the weight of so much is on me and at times I have felt like "who do I run to?” Where do you get your fill of love and who can just serve in that capacity as a safe space. I don’t care who you are, but we all need that.

Naturally yes, I pray. Sometimes, the things I need the most are tangible. Like those deep hugs that just allow you to decompress. Or just someone letting you cry it all out and just holds you. Right now more than anything, I just want to go back to being able to sleep. It’s the little things that are big things that you need to run to to get back to yourself.

Nonetheless, as I'm listening to apple music and Xscape blares in my airpods, I sorta froze because I stopped typing. And the sentiment was damn, who do I turn to to just release and let it all go. Sometimes the person who holds it altogether and does so much for others just needs and deserves to have those healthy outlets too. I liken myself to that of Olivia Pope or so it seems that way to me. Some days, I just want to take the damn trench coat off for a moment to pause the "it's handled". Which, I know I said to someone the other day. Now don't get it twisted, I can and will handle what needs to be handled. I'm capable, but sometimes it just gets so daunting handling so much and dealing with life as it comes. You just need a day or so or reprieve to "Relax, Relate, and damn Release".

(actual footage of my ass)

Emotional exhaustion is a real place. I write this blog to share more of me. Im sure someone can relate. I do have outlets and a support system which has been there. Sometimes, it's the smallest things that you need/want that help make you feel whole again, you know? Because essentially, I'm working to rebuild myself and get back to feeling healthy. It takes more than just the normal routine. It takes time, it takes deep prayer, and having lots of conversations aka therapy that you may not have otherwise wanted to discuss but it's necessary. While you're going through, you find yourself thinking "damn, who can I run to? Who's my person(s)?" I think the thing that stings the most is that my best friend is one of my "persons". She helped me jump so many hurdles as I did for her. I find myself often thinking "well, what now?" I should totally get one of those husband things because I feel like that's part of their job. LOL. Im laughing but Im so serious. LOL. Partners can fill in the blanks and help you through times like this. Well mine better because, what, what is life for then? LOL. In my opinion, at least a good partner should. I said what I said. We can argue symantics on marital partnerships later( LOL).

I write all this to say, chileeee Life gets to lifeing for us all. And it often makes us feel downright uncomfortable, angry, hurt, and just not so good. However, on the other side of it can be joy. Those are the things I push for. Sometimes it's just as simple as looking to find comfort and validation in the circle and support system that you have. We all need love and fulfillment and it's ok to feel that way or to even want to have that. Where you're weak the difference can be made up in the backbone you have within the system you’ve created. I encourage anyone who's experiencing any of the things I mentioned to check your circle. If you are in need, use your resources and make sure that you have people to help you. And by help, I mean love. It all boils down to good ole fashioned love. We all deserve to experience love and happiness. Sounds trivial, but it can be just the medicine you need as you heal.

I'm sure many of us have heard this song, but in case you're not familiar with this Classic R&B Gospel Song.........Click the link below.

If you feel alone, unsure of your feelings and need help to sort them out, 1) it's ok, 2) it's very normal, 3) no shaming here, 4) get the help you need. Below I have detailed some resources that may be useful. If you need help, I can't walk for you but I can walk with you in obtaining the assistance/resources you need.

Mental Health Resources:

• Grief Handbook - I highly recommend This book by Grief Coach Truth: https://micmigbrands.com/shop/ols/products/affirm-your-grief-handbook

• Consider a Mindset Coach to help you re-center and re-calibrate your mind. I personally recommend: Coach Kristy, voted one of the most influential coaches by Yahoo on 2021 Click her website for more details on how to book her - https://www.thekristylove.com/

• Therapist Locator: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/grief

• National Suicide Hotline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

• Crisis Text Hotline: https://www.crisistextline.org/

• Depression and Addiction Resource Guide:

• https://bocarecoverycenter.com/addiction/depression/

• Google: Local support groups for a specific topic or challenge you're facing.

• Try a local church and seek guidance and counseling from a pastor/minister. A lot of churches offer this service.

• Try a Grief Coach. It’s not counseling but a grief coach can help you with some tools and techniques to help you manage your grief.

You're not alone and help is always available. Message me if you need assistance at confidentlychris10@gmail.com

Til Next Time......

XOXOXOXOXO

Confidently Chris10